Men's sandals are a no-no. Deck shoes, espadrilles and moccasins will

Is a cover up. .. men should avoid sandals at all times. Photograph: Dan Kitwood/Getty Images

Men's sandals. What are the rules?

Jeremy, via email

With the risk of incurring the wrath of men – lobby and sandals really are a vicious bunch; mess with sandals and Lobby are likely to find a stiletto beheaded in your bed – I'm not a great fan of male sandals. There are several reasons for this, most of which are not really that good.

First, remind me of one of my old teachers of geography, and while the teacher was nice, geography has never been an argument that I felt a special love. Men's sandals are to me what madeleines were to Proust's narrator, except instead of bringing back happy childhood memories of that horrific spark reminiscent of school field trips to Box Hill. So, yeah, not very fair, but hey, as the Dread Pirate Roberts says: "life is pain" – anyone who says differently is selling something. "

Next, the foot problem. Feet are fun to look at things more often and when I'm at the end of the legs of a man generally are having the worst of times. Men do not attend to their feet so that many women do (occasionally, when you've just bought some new shoes wear, and if they can be bothered). This means that the feet of men seem generally odd little creatures that you might find in a forest where the forest was next to a plant loses nuclear reactor. And that is good – who cares, right? Of course I'm not going to start barking here about how they all look that men have to start going for fortnightly pedicure or any of this nonsense because a) that would be useless and (b)) I'm not a fan of Eurotrash. Put it this way, poor old brainwashed Shane Warne appears as a man who goes to weekly pedicure these days and definitely speak for 99.9% of humanity when I say that if I had to choose between Shane pre-Elizabeth Hurley and Shane post-Hurley would be the former every time. (#FREESHANEWARNE!) Men's feet look a little weird but look even weirder if men attempt to improve them. Some colleagues might complain that I am placing them in a stalemate, but I'm not doing any thing: I'm just saying that because I'm sure their loved ones appreciate in their State au naturel, generals probably would not be strangers forced to gaze upon them when they are out and about.

Finally – and this is not a complaint unjust, I feel – I have yet to see the sandal of a decent man, ever. Sandals men invariably look like oversized plastic shoes for children. I'm not really sure what is the solution here – I am a fashion journalist, you can't expect me to be a shoe designer, too; that look like, Leonardo da Vinci? – and after seeing the various attempts by adult men's sandals, for example some horrible those fringes of Paul Smith, is not a solution that no one seems to have found one.

So what hope for the men's summer foot? Well, judging from my beadiest of beady eye observances of the highways in the capital this summer, which now seems to be generally, finally and thankfully accepted that thongs on hot sidewalks is not an acceptable match. This has nothing to do with the aesthetic (although this is a problem) but rather one of personal health. Just like thong bikini in the Park are not simply toilet seat for the wearer, as described in previous articles, so a shoe open and fragile, dirty city sidewalks can only do damage the foot of a chap. Have you seen what people throw/spit/cough up on the road? Do you really want that on your foot? Most rightly answered a resounding no. However, it seems that I need to reiterate one point: Crocs are not summer shoes. There are also shoes, or at least not shoes for adults. Man over there wearing Crocs? Go to a mirror. See for yourself. SEE FOR YOURSELF.

I have written often about my fondness for bridge and boat shoes, that is showing probably only my roots to the Upper East Side of Manhattan. But there is nothing wrong with the Upper East Side (keeping it real with the uptown massive – oh yes!) so, once again, I say deck shoes and say boat shoes.

Espadrilles are something I've come round to slowly. Once I thought it seemed ridiculous shoes made of canvas. Now I have decided that I am OK shoes made of canvas. I don't mind an espadrille on a man, but only if wearing shorts. Trousers and espadrilles go like orange juice and milk – well separately but cloying combined.

Moccasins count as acceptable summer shoes if you go that "foot, tanned without socks, the South of France" look. This is a decent appearance, but is also an aspect that causes blisters so mind how you go there, Maurice Chevalier.

So, in short, that is my personal rule on man sandals. In a word: no.

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