Try using a 'hidden-knot' lace-tying style to avoid the Noddy look.Tied laces make my brogues look a?bit?like Noddy, but if I?tuck them under my feet they drive me bonkers and my shoes get loose. Is?there a?third way?
Leon, by email
Really, did Mr Tony Blair teach you nothing? Were all of his endeavours in vain? There is ALWAYS a third way. In fact, when it comes to lace-tying, there are fourth, fifth, eight, ninth and even 20th ways. For you see, Leon, your question has prompted me to do a bit of something I believe is called "research", which is a first for this column. I went down into the sewers for you, dear correspondent, down into the dark, dank tunnels to the, to paraphrase Red in The Shawshank Redemption, "shit-smelling foulness you can't even imagine, or maybe you just don't want to". But I can imagine it, because I went there, down to meet with … the lace people.
Oh you haven't heard of the lace people? They are a cult whose name is whispered among only the most elite and plugged-in of fashion folk. The lace people rejected society because they, like you, could not bear the only options available to them up here on land when it came to tying their shoes. So they retreated into the sewers where they could focus their minds and mud-stained, sun-deprived faces on coining alternatives. They live in their subterranean land, following a simple life, one consisting of experimenting with laces and attempting to find ways to block the awful sewer smells. They have been more successful with the former than the latter and Leon, I have returned to you bearing the fruits of their discoveries.
The option that I think you will particularly relish is called hidden knot – even the name is getting you excited, right? So take your lace, lay it across the top of the shoe and thread each end down into the top two eyelets. Then, take the left end and lace it across so both ends are now on the same side. From then on, take both ends, lacing each end across together in the same direction until you get to the bottom, at which point tie them inside the shoe in a standard knot so your shoe will stay on and your tootsies won't be irritated by dragging laces (there are videos and websites set up to explain hidden-knot lacing in case my sterling description failed to elucidate, suggesting that perhaps I?didn't need to descend into the sewers to learn about it, but no?matter).
But even that is a bit conventional. Have a bit of fun with your laces, Leon! Sure, you don't want to look like Noddy (right), but there are tonnes of alternatives. I?am excessively taken with something called bushwalk lace-tying (also known, somewhat more prosaically, as "hiking lacing", which is basically like a normal shoelace tie, but done on its side, scientifically proving that everything is a bit off-kilter in Australia, from the reverse toilet-flushing to the wonky shoelaces).
Or there's "diamond" or "lattice" lacing, which I'm not even going to try to describe how to do (I couldn't even cope with the hidden knot), although again there are videos and websites. To put it simply, it is knitting for skaters.
As a formerly major fan of the My Little Pony (Apple Blossom Pony – I?remember ye well, and the insignia of?apples on your ass), I fully endorse the "riding boot lacing" style, too, because I think there are no two genres?that should mix more than posh?horse riders and hipsters. How can that not be a good look? Tally ho,?Zebediah!
But I can't help but feel that all of this is but mere flotsam, jetsam and, most of all, distraction for you, Leon, and that really you're delaying the inevitable, rearranging the deckchairs and doing some other cliche. Because one thing I've learned in my dotage is that when a person claims to like something but hates all of that thing's qualities, they're really hating the thing. One sees this with, say, men's magazines' attitude to women ("We love the birds! But not if they have any body hair, body fat, cellulite, natural breasts or brains! Phwoar!"), and we're seeing this with you and your lace issue. Maybe the real problem, Leon, is?that you know, in your heart of hearts, you are no longer meant for trainers. Rather, you are just putting off your inevitable and undeniable graduation to loafers and, yes, slippers. Don't fight the future, Leon. You'll just tie yourself in knots.
Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email ask.hadley@guardian.co.uk
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